Those Words shared by My Parent That Saved Us as a New Parent

"I think I was simply trying to survive for a year."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality soon turned out to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health complications during the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver as well as caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

Following nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You are not in a good place. You require some help. How can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While people is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on mums and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan feels his challenges are symptomatic of a broader failure to talk amongst men, who often internalise damaging ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a show of weakness to ask for help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to take a respite - taking a short trip abroad, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions in addition to the logistical chores of looking after a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "terrible choices" when in his youth to alter how he felt, finding solace in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead provide the safety and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the feelings constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men since they faced their issues, transformed how they talk, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."